Apr. 13th, 2010

zanthess: (Default)
Yesterday was the worst day in a long string of bad days.

I kept looking for him everywhere, expecting to see him at therapy. I listened for his car, looked for his face in everyone I passed, nothing matched.

I saw that he had posted a picture of our bunny. The hole in my stomach began to suck me inwards and I bawled.

I bawled harder than I had when he told me we needed time alone. I cried and cried AND cried until I felt sick to my stomach and had streams of mucus and tears all over the front of me.

Funny thing is I knew it would happen, the first week and a half were too easy. I was pretending like this would only be for a week or two, then every thing would be better. Not this time.

I knew I would survive, I have for nearly 28 years, but rarely have I ever lived.

I know I need to live for the now, for me, and eventually for us when the time is right. I need to learn to be my own knight in shining armor, and to kiss my own bruises better. More importantly, I need to not be afraid of getting those bruises. It's what comes of life.

Each day that brings tough challenges, now only seem as daunting as I care to make them. Those giant mountains in the distance? When I eventually get to them they will be low rolling hills.

Yesterday is a turning point from which I can slingshot around from and say "IN YOUR FACE" to my inferiority side.

Today I liked me. Maybe I'll eventually love me too.

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zanthess

February 2011

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