Jan. 18th, 2011

zanthess: (gaming)
Hello once again!

Busy busy here... just barely got my computer able to get online once again. Things have been a bit tumultuous in my living situation as of late.

As a lot of you know, I recently got a job working up in Mountlake Terrace after I had given up trying to find a job up north and moved down with my folks in Kent. A bit late, but welcomed nonetheless as it is much better pay and work compared to what I had at the time. I've since moved up to Wallingford temporarily while I try to find a more permanent place to live. It has been fun living with Eric and I enjoy every moment of it, but I had to leave my kids behind with my folks. Knowing that they are stuck in their cages 24/7 with little interaction really gets to me, but it is only a temporary situation and that makes things bearable... I just apologize profusely whenever I go to see Gidge and Bean and give them all the love I can in such short time.

Work has been pretty amazing thus far. I've caught on fast and am getting along with everyone quite well. They allow personal music devices, so I've been learning just how quickly you can drain an iPhone battery while streaming This American Life.

A lot of other emotional changes have been happening as of late too, some good... a lot.... well... not so good, but in the end it all has ended up being a positive experience and I have grown to be a better person because of it. This whole procession to becoming a "non-married" person has been an amazing journey thus far, and I am excited to see what other roads it takes me down. I still have my married name... just waiting for tax returns to go through and then I am done with it. I will have my old name again, and because of that I've started to go by AJ again as well. Kinda strange the things you yearn for after you pushed them aside so long ago.

Been working on not focusing on how I'm berating myself, and rather reminding myself how I am more than deserving the good things that have happened in my life and how proud of myself I am. It's been a hard battle, and I've slipped back quite a few times, but the new man in my life has been there many a-time to catch me and snap me back into reality. I just keep noticing the stark difference between him and my ex-husband.

I hate to make comparisons, but after living in fear for so long it's crazy to sit back and realize that I don't have to worry about every little thing I do to make sure I am perfect. I always knew that perfection was impossible to achieve, yet I still would continually beat myself up for never reaching it. It's been fun to try, get messy, and make mistakes. What's even more fun is to laugh at it, dust myself off, and try again. I look back and realize just how much I have accomplished in the past 9 months and compared to the past 5 years the difference is staggering. My life feels rich and full, and I don't have to think hard in order to be happy... it just happens.

Things are still tight living-wise, but I've only received one paycheck from my new job so far. I've actually been looking at a couple of houses in Seattle that are up for rent. An old co-worker of mine is living with her mom at the moment and has expressed interest in finding another place to live.

Things are improving, I am happy, and for the first time in my life I feel like I can be proactive instead of reactive in my life. I thought it would be scary at first not having anything pushing me to go one way or another, or not having someone there telling me what to do, but I enjoy poring over the options and deciding what is best for me.

That's a new thing too... deciding things for me and no one else. Sure, I still make decisions that I know will directly affect other people, but that is no longer the sole concern. I don't make decisions based on fear of what others will say or think, but decide to do things for other people because I WANT to. Doesn't mean the nice things I've done for you folks out there was based solely on fear, just a change of perspective I am currently cultivating.

Music continues to be a main part of my life, as is talk radio becoming a stronger presence. I wonder if it's just a factor of getting old that I'd rather listen to people ramble on than what new song so-and-so's band is coming out with.

Oh, did I mention I was finally able to go out all gothed up too? Man.... too many things to talk about. I even danced on my own. I let loose, was wild, and didn't give a crap what other people thought. It even got me a smack on the ass from some random chick while I was leaving the bathroom.

Oh! and I'm now 60+ lbs. lighter than my heaviest weight. I can almost fit into my highschool pants.

I am so badass. It's only going to get even more awesome from here.

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zanthess

February 2011

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