Argh!

Jul. 4th, 2009 12:57 am
zanthess: (Default)
So..... shitty but good things have happened lately.

Bunny has started peeing outside his box, that means hormones are kicking in, and his pockets shall be picked in the next month.

Finally signed up to be a core member of the PFM derby practice group. Monthly dues instead of per practice, and much cheaper.

Had to drive to Seattle to get parts that were missing because GE's factory workers don't speak friggin' English. When I got there my car started making the same noise it made about a month ago when a tube fell off the engine. Had the hub come home to check it out. He took it to the dealership and they found another tube that had come loose. They hooked it up and sent him on his way.

On the way home my car started making whooshing noises and pouring out black smoke from the tailpipe.

Dammit.

Down to one car, and neither of use have the ability to take off work or work from home. So weird to be stuck somewhere without transportation.

Was able to get some aggression out on the skating floor at my first practice, and even pulled off some moves I never thought I could do. Strange how much easier rollerskating becomes when you're not in "don't want to fall" mode.

Other than that, headed down to the folk's tomorrow to cook salmon for my stepdad, and my Dad's famous marinated drumsticks. For over 10 years I've tried to remember what was in the marinade that made it so good, and discovered the secret: Maple Syrup. I have no clue why the brown sugar, or other sweet things I put in it don't work near as well.

Also going to try another fun fireworks project. Tin can rocket. Looks to me like it will be hours of fun blasting an empty can of green beans 50 ft. into the air.



Oh yeah. I got older a few weeks ago too. My back even went out on me ON my birthday just to remind me I'm old.

P.S. Happy 4th everyone. go blow shit up.
zanthess: (Default)
Just got home from hanging out all day at the hospital with my mom. She didn't want to bug anyone, so she told no one that she was going.

Luckily I hunted her down. I was there for about four hours and heard the most interesting conversations since she was in the middle of a 3 bed room. Those cloth dividers don't hide much.

Back home now and exhausted, but getting excited. Hub said that if I was able to get the house bunny proofed, we could get a rabbit. Also gotta clean up 'cause Mom is coming up to visit to check out our new couches and go with us to THE BEST DAMN MEXICAN RESTAURANT in the Seattle area.

Oh.... and interview today went well, I'm hoping something will come of it. :D
zanthess: (pissed)
I've been stuck at my 'rents home now for the 4th day because of snow. It wasn't so bad until my step-dad came home.

He bitched and moaned and put my mom in a bad mood, then went upstairs and sulked while watching TV in the bedroom.

He was sulking upstairs because my grandparents were watching TV downstairs. He didn't even refer to my grandparents as "mother's parents" or "your grandparents". He coldly called them, "those people".

He then bitched some more and did a few things to mess with my stuff because it was in HIS way. I calmly asked him if he needed to get my stuff out of the way, to let me know and I would be happy to do so for him. I fumed away in the kitchen once I was out of his sight/hearing. My mom caught wind of what happened (I tried to not let her know), and took her anger out on him, causing a full circle of bitchiness.

I'm tired of it. As bad as the snow will be, I will be GOING HOME on Monday. I don't give a crap if we can't make it back for Christmas. I'd rather be stuck at home with my husband, than with a man who doesn't give a flip about anyone that cares about him.

He said a lot of other things, but I won't put them here. Just thinking about them causes me to choke on my sobs. I want to go down there an punch him, or do something, just to show him how much he hurts everyone inside, and how much they hide it.

Dammit, I hate it that I cry when I'm mad.

And boy am I fsking pissed.
zanthess: (cold)
Jake has 4 wheel drive, and still had to buy chains to get around. He's stuck at work, my stepdad is stuck at work, and I'm snowed in at my parents' house. Which is ok, considering we picked up my grandparents at the airport yesterday.

Just feels weird without the hub by me.... I think I may be stuck here another night as well. Snow keeps coming down...
zanthess: (Default)
I've been so engrossed in my robot, that I haven't really talked about myself here lately.

So here goes:

Had to stop skating for a while. Hub still doesn't have a job, so we're still coasting on savings. I have found a group that does training for the roller derby, and they meet at the same rink I skate at! I'm excited to get started once I get a job and can justify the $10 per session.

We have been having friends over lately, and it's been a lot of fun. Jake got us Rockband 2 last Sunday when the special edition came out, and we have also been playing Fable 2 nonstop. Well, he plays Fable 2 and I... well I said I wasn't going to talk about it today.

Went out to dinner last night with my parents to FINALLY celebrate our birthdays. During the day, Jake rode the bus to Redmond to have lunch with a few friends while I was in class, and I met him up in Seattle. We then went to the aquarium, which was AWESOME!

They have a whole exhibit with my most favoritest fish of all time. The box fish. I call it a cow fish, because of the horns on its head, or the minivan fish, on account of the way it moves.

I took a vid. I wanted to say VRRROOOOMMMM! every time he swam by.


We then walked around the piers for a while and meandered through Pike Place Market. So all in all, a good Friday was had.

We're also planning our trip to Utah for Thanksgiving. The hubs fam is getting together in St. George, so we're flying to vegas, then taking a shuttle over. I'm excited to see everyone again, and my mother in law has requested I bring my skates.

Oh man, I just remembered that's the last week of finals. The end of school is getting so close! I've finished my exit interview with Career Services already, ordered my cap/gown, and even got some announcements. I can't believe they do a ceremony even for Associates degrees.

Not much else going on other than that. Just enjoying the time with my husband, pushing forward, and working hard to keep an upbeat attitude.

Oh, and tomorrow night I'm making spaghetti with meaty meat sauce. We haven't had that in a few weeks. Should be scrumptious.
zanthess: (away)
Another sleepless night.

Woke up a bit late, but worked around the house. Moved bookshelves, arranged some VERY heavy speakers. Organized cords, fixed dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, loaded the dishwasher.

Husband comes home, looks around. I'm excited because I arranged our family room and hung up our framed art. "What do you think?"

Husband: "How much did you REALLY clean today?"

So therefore, because I didn't meet his expectations, I failed at cleaning today.

I continue to clean, he brings in a grill he bought, puts it together, and wants me to come to ooh and ahh over it. When I don't, he gets upset and goes to bed.

I guess he really doesn't realize what he's implied to me.

Sheesh, I don't know whether to continue to be mad at him, or at myself.

I hate this.
zanthess: (blush)
We've been talking about getting a new pet. We've decided to graduate from Hermies to something else. Not allowed to have dogs *husband sigh* or birds *me sigh*, Jake actually said he wouldn't mind a cat, but it MUST be a ragdoll. He really wants a laid-back cat that just hangs out and is lovie.

I came across this guy. His name is Bo, and when I saw him, I fell in love. Jake says we can get him if he's still available after we get our apartment better situated.

I am in love, and I have a goal.

We'll see how this turns out.
zanthess: (away)
Things have started calming down a bit during the day. I still have occasional panic/crying attacks, which I think will start to go away after a few more visits with our therapist, but the nightly attacks have returned with a vengeance.

The last three nights I've cried so hard I had to go into the bathroom to not wake up my husband. I took a shower for two of those nights, which helped to cover my sobs, and to relax me somewhat. I feel bad I can't tell him why this is happening to me. For the most part, I don't either.

Read only if you want more of the drama )
*sigh*

meeting

Jun. 6th, 2008 10:02 pm
zanthess: (cry)
Went to our first meeting today. It was interesting. I was so wound up and shaky that I spent most of my time staring at the floor. The counselor started off by finding out our love languages. It surprised Jake that some of his complements make me very uncomfortable.

I also realized why I didn't want to go to this counseling session. I think out of every couple I've spoken with that have gone to counseling, only one has made it through. I'm so afraid of losing the person that makes me the happiest woman in the world, I don't want to know that there is a problem and a chance that he might leave me.

I thought I was over my co-dependency, and then it rears its ugly head and brings me to a screeching halt.

After the meeting, I think he tried to use the way I like to receive love, but me, being stupid, pushed it away because I didn't feel like I deserved the love he has for me.

I wish it was easier to forgive myself and move forward.
zanthess: (sleepy)
So I forgot my own blogiversary. 4 years on may 10th. I can't believe I've stuck around here for so long. I usually burn out and go on to different things, but I keep coming back here.

This week has been nasty busy. had an "encounter" with my husband, we made up, but still have a lot of work to do. We're getting a few references for a good couple's therapist. Hopefully we can work things out and continue to move forward.

Still recovering from seeing Mindless Self Indulgence and The Birthday Massacre. Totally effin' awesome concert. I can't wait for them to come back to Seattle again.

We also got to play rescuers. Jimmy (lead singer of MSI) asked for the audience to dress him. People started throwing up stuff, and as he tossed stuff back, there was a jacket that someone had put lots of work into, he tried to throw it back to the right person, but overshot it. A lady (who was very fat and decided she could still wear a vinyl corset) got it and decided it was hers. It ended up belonging to a friend of a good friend of mine. I went and told her he had had this jacket for over 10 years and would be devastated if he could not get it back. She actually DEMANDED that a band member come and tell her to give it back. We got the guitar player Steve Righ? to tell her to give the fucking jacket back. Totally awesome, and I got hugs!!! Man those guys were sweaty. Hug from Steve and Kitty made me all fuzzy and giddy back to the car.

Got up today and went to Toys 'R' Us for the Darkrai event (get an ultra rare pokemon), and got two, one for each game. Very exciting.

So all in all, a crappy start but a good end to a week.

P.S. Hubby says I can't have a bacon themed tattoo *sniff*
zanthess: (busy)
Just got back from being over in Utah for a few days. Since we had been gone for nearly a year, everyone wanted to see us. Unfortunately, we did not get enough time to really enjoy not having to work, but it was nice to see family nonetheless.

The search for a "real" home starts again. With the average price of gas at nearly 4.12 here in WA, we're thinking we may move out of state sooner than planned.

*sigh* I just wish we could have a job to live comfortably like we did in Utah again.
zanthess: (cry)
I've now resorted to aromatherapy, tea, knitting, crocheting, AND gardening.

Last night my mom said a few things that set me so on edge, I HAD to leave, even though it was nearly 9pm. I wanted so bad to punch her in the face, so I turned it around and went to get some plants. It'll be therapeutic, I'll be able to grow my own herbs, and the plants will enjoy my ranting and raving, and loving on them.

I've planted chives, garlic chives, and spearmint seeds, and bought already sprouted lavender, Texas tarragon, and generic sage.

I'm hoping this helps me cope for the last week.

I'm just sick and tired of having to deal with my past constantly... I really don't know what to do, because all I want to do is cry and let it all out...

I just don't know to who.
zanthess: (angry)
When I get mad and talk out my anger, my mom takes it personally. She acts childish doing an "impersonation" of me upset, and I walk off. So I become the bad guy.

I go upstairs to cool off and sleep for a while, come back downstairs to get my computer. In a soft pathetic voice she says "you can stay down here if you want." I get a nice glare from my stepdad AND the cat, say no and go back upstairs. So I'm the bad guy again.

I'm so effing done I was done with this last week.
zanthess: (thinking)
It's been hard being back up here in Seattle. When I left this place, I had so many issues that needed sorting out, and because I fixed my life in a different place, lots of my past is still trying to haunt me.

I've felt it ever since I stepped back into the house. The feeling of dread getting caught doing something wrong (going out at 3am, smoking, reeking of alcohol, etc.), and these feelings get incorporated into my dreams. It's not that I'm doing them anymore, but the guilt for some reason is still there.

I've regretted disappearing from my cousins on my Father's side, but also realize it had to be done. There was so much pain and guilt, I could not think of facing my grandmother. I had already begun to become an outcast as soon as I converted to the LDS faith. I now have dreams where my father is doing something (fixing the roof, BBQ-ing outside), but he does not make known that he has seen me. It started to get really weird when I found myself in my dreams standing outside his girlfriend's window, sitting down with her and her son, and enjoying a wonderful dinner together, without thinking to invite me to join.

Something is pushing me, and I think it's because I've come to a point in my life where I can start to heal these wounds, and ask for forgiveness. Heh, I even started by sending messages to boyfriends that I hurt in the past, asking them to forgive me, and all but one has responded. Most I still keep in touch with, and I realized that what I did while in a relationship to them was more good than harm.

I'm getting up the courage again to sit down and write to my grandmother. I feel she atleast needs to know that I got married and that I am happy, and also I am sorry for the role I played in my disassociation. I'm just afraid it will all go south. We'll see how it goes so far with my cousin.

'ta

P.S. Zombiewalk is in two days... and I'm still going dammit!
zanthess: (study)
Been trying not to go psychotic while my paycheck sits in limbo at the bank. Been with out Zoloft for 3 days and I feel really shaky. Found out we won't have insurance until December, but since hubby is getting paid buttloads of cash, it shouldn't be too bad.

Got an offer from pseudo-brother and his wife to live with them. Rent is cheap, it's closer to hubby's job, and it gets us the hell outta dodge. Plus! I don't have to work so I can focus on finishing school, and I've offered to cook dinner for everyone since sis-in-law is pregnant and is already kept busy chasing after a 2 year old all day.

Found my other cousin on my Dad's side of the family on Myspace today. Before you ask, NO I have not started up a new account. I've just made one so I can check out how my cousin Nick is doing. I then get bored and start randomly searching for long lost people.

Uhm... what else? Oh! I'm getting sick! And I made halloween cookies for Jake to take to work in order to get some social networking going. I found the coolest stuff while getting cookie stuff at the store. They now sell black food coloring!

I'm gonna have to find some licorice extract and try my hand at black licorice ice cream. I miss it *sniff*

'Ta
zanthess: (fright)
I had to write it down so that I can continue to convince myself this actually took place.

Me: I'm going to go get a fuel log and light a fire in the fireplace.
Stepdad: Don't do that!
Me: Why not?
Stepdad: I'm trying not to waste energy



Double Ewe Tee EFF!!!! He didn't want to waste electricity BURNING a log.

Things are getting very strange around here...
zanthess: (Default)
Mom's decided now not to take Tango.

I think I'm the most bummed out. I was looking forward to having a Macaw around again...
zanthess: (thinking)
Well, more of an ominous rumble about the house. It wasn't bad enough for me to have an outburst at my stepfather, but now my mom has put the icing on the cake.

Let's rewind before I was born and layout a background story shall we?
*Makes the Wayne's world time wavey noise thing*

Before I was born, my mom loved (and still loves) having pets, she had a cat named Duffy, and a Macaw named Lucas (for example). When I was born, Lucas got so jealous of me getting attention, she (long story) would hunt me down, even into my crib, and would attack me. I was so scared of the bird, when I got to about 2, my mom decided she would have to send her to live with someone else. She had Lucas for about 15 years.

Ok, we can travel now back to the future... hehe... back to the future.
*ahem*

Anyway...

One employee at her salon has quit due to early maternity leave, and she desparately needed a new stylist to fill the position. An old friend/coworker of hers just so happens to be looking for a new place to work and takes the position. She also has inherited a blue and gold macaw (another example) from her father who just moved to california and couldn't take him along. She already has two birds and three is too many for this bird, named Tango, to get any attention.

My mom has already said yes and is meeting him tomorrow, but she has yet to break the news to my stepdad. I've already backed her because I know how depressed she gets when she is home alone and have offered him asylum in our home when me move out. Jake is supporting me as well. She is also planning on writing him in the will to go to me because he is only 6 and will easily live another 20-30 years. It's just scarey considering how pissed off Erkki is going to be once he finds out that my mom's decided to take in a pet without consulting him.

Strap on your helmets, boys, we're goin' to war.



EDIT: I forgot to mention that Tango also likes to drop the F-bomb. We're having missionaries over for dinner in 3 weeks! Woo!

Pleh.

Aug. 6th, 2007 06:51 pm
zanthess: (cry)
Had another argument last night. I had a panic attack in the middle of it and called my stepdad an asshole. He immediately left and would not speak to anyone.

I feel bad that I blurted it out, but damn, it felt good to let him know how I feel. I guess he is like a typical man and needs certain things spelled out instead of just expecting him to understand.

Jake has two interviews tomorrow, so here's hoping we can get out before this whole family falls apart.
zanthess: (frustrated)
After my husband had a discussion with my stepdad it was deided that we would move out as soon as posible. Basically, we are supposed to adhere to every rule he sets because it is his house, and we have no say. There is no possible way we can live like that for a year.

He wants commitments from us, but does not offer anything in return. In his mind, we are still children who don't know any better. I have one word for that: Bullshit.

He even felt the need to tell me how to load a dishwasher. WTF.

I'm trying to be the "Adult" in this situation by not letting it bother me, but it's really hard to be treated like a second class citizen by my own family. It is putting strain on not only our marriage, but my parents' marriage as well. Mom is getting stressed out because she feels like she has to be the peacemaker and the martyr.

And talk about mature, after Jake talked to Eric and asked for commitments and that we were both upset and wanted a meeting, he hid out upstairs the entire evening to avoid us.

I'm just blown away by how spoiled he has gotten.

I feel like I'm looking after a small child when he is around. He doesn't cook, or get his own food, He just wants to do fun stuff with his grandchildren, and when they are done, he rarely cleans up after them. But if I have one thing out and the grandkids are coming over, then I somehow become an enemy and have to clean ASAP so the "kids won't get hurt". No wonder they're so sensetive and cry at anything wrong.

Just.... UGH.... I do love my family, I really do... I just don't like how things are progressing.

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February 2011

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