zanthess: (Default)
So my homework this week is to think of how I love myself. Not what I do, just what I love about me.

Try it yourself! Sometimes it can be quite difficult.

I've come up with a couple since my session, we'll see if I can add more:

My intelligence
My humor
My appetite for information
My imagination
zanthess: (sleep)
I got the lowest final test score (a 93%), but got the highest grade in the class 98.4% Woot!

My instructor also contacted me to let me know the paper part of my test out passed! Now I just have to pass the mock interview and I'm as good as gold. Rock.

Therapist sprung the EMDR thing on me suddenly tonight and it made me feel quite nervous and scared, but that's how he wanted me to be. He started me on thinking about where I go in my mind when I get nervous, and I told him anything with patterns, more like anything that uses true-false/on-off/right-wrong/good-bad type of logic to it helps me find this quiet spot inside. It was really weird, but a good introduction into the therapy he will be using on me.

Jake and I also had quite a deep discussion tonight, and he said some things that just really blew me out of the water.

So yeah, my emotions are all over the board here, but doing alright, and overall I'm happy and excited. now that I realize that I really am graduating, I feel empowered and more in control of my life.

Will update more later, I'm exhausted.
zanthess: (zombietired)
Lately I've been having these dreams that are so incredibly vivid, and have people in them I haven't even thought about for years. It's gone from classmates in highschool that I'm traveling across the country to meet up with, to trying to reconcile with my dad's girldriend and getting shunned in the process, to being in a relationship with her son and find him in the act of cheating on me, to me sneaking away from my husband to go have a smoke (I haven't touched cigarettes in 2 1/2 years). That last one shows up in almost every single dream.

They're all really strange, and when I wake up, I feel REALLY uncomfortable with myself. Jake has told me not to feel bad about the smoking, but hell, I've had that reoccuring dream for over a year now, and it's really starting to wear on me.

A lot of the other dreams, my father is in them. He's either in the distance, or pointedly ignoring me, and no matter how much I run/scream/cry at him, nothing happens. I get so panicky, one night I started kicking and ended up kicking my husband in the shins a few times before I woke up.

It's getting bad, and even though the panic attacks are less frequent, the now have no rhyme or reason to them, they just happen.

Last night, for example, we were watching some episodes of House, and something must have been triggered unconsciously, because all of a sudden I had this feeling like the world was ending and there was nothing I could do about it. I bawled and sobbed, and ran into the other room. It was really strange this time around, because during my sobbing, it felt like my head was rearranging itself. I knew that if I let it go, that endorphins would kick in, and I would feel better, and I knew I needed to because my husband was in the other room, scared it was something he did to cause this. After a few minutes, I dried my tears, blew my nose, and was able to go to bed like nothing happened. All in all a very weird night.

I think our family therapist has been seeing this as well, because there are a lot of things I can't explain to him why I feel certain ways. He's offered to not only take us to his private practice (instead of LDS family services) so that he can use other methods of counseling, but he's offering to keep the price the same, which is incredible. I wasn't sure at first, because I didn't feel like his current counseling methods were all that good, until I learned that he doesn't do standard counseling. He's an EMDR specialist, and he wants to work on me alone.

I have a friend who has gone through EMDR and it seems like it has made a phenomenal difference in his life. It's a complex therapy that helps organize thoughts from past to present from what I've learned so far. More can be found here.

I'm excited, but also quite scared as to what I will find out. I think a lot of this has to do with abandonment issues, which is really weird, because neither of my parents ever abandoned me, the closest I can come to is when my parents divorced, and when my father passed away. This will be a tough road to start, because I know things will come up that I never wanted to deal with again, but am hopeful that things can finally be put to rest, and I can enjoy the rest of my life.

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zanthess

February 2011

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