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crying laughing tears
Oct. 20th, 2007 12:20 amIt's been hard being back up here in Seattle. When I left this place, I had so many issues that needed sorting out, and because I fixed my life in a different place, lots of my past is still trying to haunt me.
I've felt it ever since I stepped back into the house. The feeling of dread getting caught doing something wrong (going out at 3am, smoking, reeking of alcohol, etc.), and these feelings get incorporated into my dreams. It's not that I'm doing them anymore, but the guilt for some reason is still there.
I've regretted disappearing from my cousins on my Father's side, but also realize it had to be done. There was so much pain and guilt, I could not think of facing my grandmother. I had already begun to become an outcast as soon as I converted to the LDS faith. I now have dreams where my father is doing something (fixing the roof, BBQ-ing outside), but he does not make known that he has seen me. It started to get really weird when I found myself in my dreams standing outside his girlfriend's window, sitting down with her and her son, and enjoying a wonderful dinner together, without thinking to invite me to join.
Something is pushing me, and I think it's because I've come to a point in my life where I can start to heal these wounds, and ask for forgiveness. Heh, I even started by sending messages to boyfriends that I hurt in the past, asking them to forgive me, and all but one has responded. Most I still keep in touch with, and I realized that what I did while in a relationship to them was more good than harm.
I'm getting up the courage again to sit down and write to my grandmother. I feel she atleast needs to know that I got married and that I am happy, and also I am sorry for the role I played in my disassociation. I'm just afraid it will all go south. We'll see how it goes so far with my cousin.
'ta
P.S. Zombiewalk is in two days... and I'm still going dammit!
I've felt it ever since I stepped back into the house. The feeling of dread getting caught doing something wrong (going out at 3am, smoking, reeking of alcohol, etc.), and these feelings get incorporated into my dreams. It's not that I'm doing them anymore, but the guilt for some reason is still there.
I've regretted disappearing from my cousins on my Father's side, but also realize it had to be done. There was so much pain and guilt, I could not think of facing my grandmother. I had already begun to become an outcast as soon as I converted to the LDS faith. I now have dreams where my father is doing something (fixing the roof, BBQ-ing outside), but he does not make known that he has seen me. It started to get really weird when I found myself in my dreams standing outside his girlfriend's window, sitting down with her and her son, and enjoying a wonderful dinner together, without thinking to invite me to join.
Something is pushing me, and I think it's because I've come to a point in my life where I can start to heal these wounds, and ask for forgiveness. Heh, I even started by sending messages to boyfriends that I hurt in the past, asking them to forgive me, and all but one has responded. Most I still keep in touch with, and I realized that what I did while in a relationship to them was more good than harm.
I'm getting up the courage again to sit down and write to my grandmother. I feel she atleast needs to know that I got married and that I am happy, and also I am sorry for the role I played in my disassociation. I'm just afraid it will all go south. We'll see how it goes so far with my cousin.
'ta
P.S. Zombiewalk is in two days... and I'm still going dammit!
