zanthess

So the past few weeks have been such a wild ride, I finally get a chance to step off and look back, and my head still spins.

So we all know that I am getting divorced... a week before that I got laid off. I do finally qualify for unemployment, which is great... but doesn't pay for everything.

So....

I was getting quite depressed, not wanting to get out of bed at one moment, wanting to drive off to an unknown destination the next. My roommates have been awesome and supportive in all of this, which is more than I could have ever asked for. I was dragged off to a gay bar one night to dance and forget about things, which was fun. I even had a guy come talk to me, but he was gay, so boo. Lots of eye candy though.

I was even taken to a sex club....

OH MY GOODNESS.... was it interesting. I was more voyeuristic than anything, a bit out of my element because everything was so public. Everything was cool until I bumped into someone that I knew... I shouldn't have been so weirded out, but the push to be someone completely different with the shock of familiarity sent me into a mini panic-attack, so we had to leave.

And this past weekend just gets wilder...

My roommate's ex lives up in Monroe and I had been needing to get out and relax. She suggests that I pick up a friend of hers here in Seattle, then we'll head out to a winery and relax a bit. Sounds like fun, so I agree.

Friday afternoon comes, and I hear nothing from the friend. Turns out that she just broke up with her guy and they were fighting all night. She wasn't feeling well enough to go up to Monroe. Pooh.

"No matter! Why don't you just come up? We can find something to do!" Me loving being in the woods and away from all civilization figured that would work. So I grab my stuff and head up.

We hang out for a bit, nom on some wonderful cheese and begin to watch a movie. When she gets a phone call.

"Hey Andrea, my geeky friends I told you about a few weeks ago are having a party, you up for it?"

Kinda feeling it, but not really wanting to be social with a bunch of people I don't know, I agree to it anyway. Maybe I'll meet a few folks that I can nerd out with.

We show up and holy crap... it's an SCA (medieval) event! I've always wanted to check it out, so I'm sure everyone could see the sparkly double rainbow above my head as I looked around and fought between my insecure/quiet side and my free/crazy side I've just recently re-discovered.

Long story short, I end up staying all weekend, watching/listening/laughing... and blushing. I was reminded this weekend that there are people out there that won't spend all their time nitpicking my faults and telling me what I should do, and just want to have a good time. Something I needed for such a very long time. Though I should tell myself that I am awesome and whatnot, but sometimes being reminded by a perfect stranger does a good injection of ego.

So the weekend ends, and it's time to go home. I'm driving my car, I hear a *CLUNK* and the engine dies. It's not just dead, it is locked up.

Turns out I must have hit something because there's a HUGE ASS crack in the transmission. Scary thing is, just to replace the tranny would run upwards of $10,000 (!!!), which I definitely don't have. AND until they replace the transmission, they can't even test the engine to see if it's still good.

Luckily, since it looks like I hit something, it will be covered under collision. I'm just playing the waiting game now to see if they're going to repair or total out.

Then two nights ago... I see that a band that I enjoy called Great Big Sea is playing at the Woodland Park Zoo. Finding this past personal freedom inside of me I said What the hell! I'll go!

Haven't had this much fun at a concert in FOREVER. I dressed up as a gypsy stealing stuff from my mom's bellydancing costumes, and danced the night away. It was incredible.

So that brings up to today, which is finally a day I can sit down and look back and see all the crazy/fun things I've done. I'm shocked that I was so afraid to actually go out and risk making a fool of myself, when the outcome can be so wonderful and fulfilling.

I wonder what's in store for next week!

Ugh... this reminds me how I need to start writing again. I was excited to find my old binder of poetry. If you guys like this stuff, there's plenty more. The first poem was actually published, though I doubt anyone has read it. :P

Two minutes was all it took
For you to explain to me
Why you were sorry
I wasn't listening
You broke my heart and left it
unmended
I loathe and despise you, yet
Some small sliver has stuck deep
It's painful twisting reminds me
Of when I said, "I love you."

Standing in the middle of yesterday
half of my years are passed
What time I have lived is now forgotten
Tossed in the far recesses of space
Free to live life anew
Hear my middle aged newborn's cry.

2009 in review

January: Started raising Triops, and began the process to turn Baconfest into a yearly shindig.

February: Learned how to make mochi.

March: Adopted the ill-fated Lydia, Duchess of Bradley.

April: Started dying my hair crazy again. Vacationed in Utah for 1 1/2 weeks.

May: Learned that I'm FINALLY allergic to something. Yay.

June: Found the furry love of my life, Pixel Von Hasenpfeffer.

July: Paid for my first membership to PFM and had the annual summer cold.

August: Made a T-shirt quilt, quit a job, and started a new one.

September: Watched my little boy bunny go blind.

October: Had a run-in with a SWAT team while at work.

November: Doctors become confused with my migraines, many more CT scans and MRIs ensue.

December: Further into a cancer scare, more scans, more fun. Watched Pixel climb Mt. Jake and then bite his armpit.

Ugh... so much has already happened this year. I really gotta stay on top of things and post more updates. I think this is the emptiest one I've done yet.

'Ta.

So many things going on in my head right now. Feelings are going like a roller-coaster speeding at twice the speed. I really wonder how much longer I can hold on to this. I feel like I am hurling forward in time and stagnating at the same moment. Learning all over again to enjoy the moments that I have now, and that the possibilities of joy in the future cannot be expected, but joyfully anticipated.

I just have to keep telling myself that God wouldn't give me these trials if he knew that I would fail. He believes in me, and so I must believe in myself. That is all I can do right now, so I shouldn't worry about things out of my control.

( Mood music ahoy! )

getting a divorce. That is all.

I walked off of our joint session last week. Haven't heard from him or his family on my birthday.

Left my ring and told him to give it back when he was ready. I have a feeling he may never be.

I've since cut down on my Zoloft to better myself, and my libido is going INSANE.

I've never dreamed of cheating on my husband, but my need for getting laid is making me feel like a cat in heat right now.

I haven't felt this way in years.

My roommate is going through a nasty breakup as well, and it is hard trying to console him and to be happy myself. We've nicknamed the house the "House of Pain"

Ugh.... my stupid stupid head is going places it shouldn't, and work is sucking this week.

I'm still sick too, bleh.

I promise not to be so morose next time we meet.

At the beginning of 2009 I decided to write a letter to myself using futureme.org. I set it for a random day so that I would forget about it, which I did.

What wonderful timing I have.

I know that I wrote it to myself, but it's still wonderful to hear from someone that I am worth it. Which I am.

( Received June 1st, 2010 )

Maddie has been dying as of late, and since my roommate is gone on a trip for a few weeks, he's offered to let me drive his car.

It's a Prius.

I swore I'd never own/rent/drive a Prius EVER. The long term effects on the environment with disposal of old batteries is astronomical compared to the pollution output of a regular car.

But here I am, driving it.

It's amazing what necessity will do.

So here I am.... 3 weeks and counting.

Things have been difficult, but still survivable. I moved into a new place, but with deposit + rent + student loan payment I didn't have anything left to feed myself or Bean.

I know I didn't want to ask for help, but learning when the proper time to ask for help is, I called my mom.

I met with them earlier today, they took me to dinner and then we went grocery shopping. I now have enough food to last another week and enough cash to get Bean some food. She's been on veggies and hay for a few days now.

Every time I get home and turn on my computer, I check to see if Jake is online. I know I shouldn't message him, but knowing he is active and doing something helps. I imagine what I will send him, even opening his number on my phone, wondering if I called would he answer?

I promised not to contact him for a month. I've already broken that with a few emails.

Now that we're getting near a 3rd of the way through this three month break, I'm really wondering when we should be thinking about contacting eachother and meeting again. Things are very lonely here. There's this empty space next to me that only another body can fill. I've gotten some of it through co-workers. One in particular I make sure to get hugs from every day. He knows a lot of what's going on and shares opinions openly.

He mentioned that we need to set a date to meet up... but I don't know how to bring the subject up. It would be nice just to be able to talk on the phone again.

Maybe I'll do that on May 1st. Afterall, that will be a month from when this started.

*sigh*

Yesterday was the worst day in a long string of bad days.

I kept looking for him everywhere, expecting to see him at therapy. I listened for his car, looked for his face in everyone I passed, nothing matched.

I saw that he had posted a picture of our bunny. The hole in my stomach began to suck me inwards and I bawled.

I bawled harder than I had when he told me we needed time alone. I cried and cried AND cried until I felt sick to my stomach and had streams of mucus and tears all over the front of me.

Funny thing is I knew it would happen, the first week and a half were too easy. I was pretending like this would only be for a week or two, then every thing would be better. Not this time.

I knew I would survive, I have for nearly 28 years, but rarely have I ever lived.

I know I need to live for the now, for me, and eventually for us when the time is right. I need to learn to be my own knight in shining armor, and to kiss my own bruises better. More importantly, I need to not be afraid of getting those bruises. It's what comes of life.

Each day that brings tough challenges, now only seem as daunting as I care to make them. Those giant mountains in the distance? When I eventually get to them they will be low rolling hills.

Yesterday is a turning point from which I can slingshot around from and say "IN YOUR FACE" to my inferiority side.

Today I liked me. Maybe I'll eventually love me too.

I wish I could be there to give you presents and love, but you'll have to do with Daddy.

Mommy loves you so much buddy! I hope to be able to see you soon. We will celibrate in the summer ok?

I miss you.

Even though Pixel is going through a head-tilt right now, and has not seen his regular vet because he is on vacation, we had already agreed to take a new lil' bunny into our home.

His/her name is 'Nilla Bean. Maybe shorten it to Bean if it's a boy. Their nibblets are too small to tell!

I decided to do a small "meet n' greet" last night, and I was surprised! No fighting, no biting... and when Pixel would explore somewhere else, bean was right behind him!

( peeektures )

Pixel's head was kinda tilted yesterday. My mom came over to help us on our big moving day, and when she picked him up, he started flailing.

We don't know if it's just an ear infection, or soething worse like wry neck.

We gave him some critical care last night and left him at the apartment because he's comfortable there. when we checked on him he was much worse and starting to roll.

So here we are again.

Sigh

So... it just so happens that a co-worker of mine bought her daughter a girl bunny. Later, they decided to get this girl bunny another girl bunny friend.

Long story short...

I'm getting a baby bunny in about a week!

They don't know the sex of the bunny, but that doesn't matter to me. It's name right now is Sugar, but the hub and I are trying to think of another name.

Just excited to find another friend for Pixel... and now is a good time because we are moving to a house and they will both be new. Should help with bonding I hope...

Anywho here are two pictures I snapped of Sugar when they brought him/her into work for me to meet them!

( +1 and Pixel cuz he's jealous now )

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 2.05

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:

0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

1. If you're on my friends list, I want to know 35 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine.

2. Comment here with your answers and repost the questionaire on your own journal. :)

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
27) Do you believe in ghosts?
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
29) Do you swear a lot?
30) Biggest pet peeve?
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
32) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
33) Favorite and least favorite food?
34) Do you believe in God?
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

It arrived while I was still recovering, but I was damned if I didn't open it right away.
( Read more... )

I had surgery yesterday to remove a lump in the sphenoid (back)sinuses. They thought it was either a fatty cyst, or fibrous displaysia, which is a bony growth.

When they got in, they realized why it was neither. The Cat scan showed a bony growth, but it also showed up on a fat scan in the MRI. It's a bone growth with marrow in it, IN MY HEAD.

They have no clue what it could be, but are going to keep an eye on it.

Here's to hoping I can keep insurance long enough to get it taken care of.

So, we were getting excited about Pixel's visit to the opthamologist today to see how his blind eye is doing, and if his other eye has stabilized, but this weekend before we had kind of a scare...

Friday morning the hub picked him up to give him his eye drop, and noticed that the fur around his blind eye was all wet. Not only that, but he had a line, much like a crease, going across his eye!

I freaked and called the vet to see if we needed to take him in. While I was doing that, the hub discovered what had happened.

Since rabbits sleep with their eyes open and pixel is blind in one eye.... he rolled over in his cardboard castle and rested his eye on an edge of the cardboard!

It's all cleared up now, and the doc has cut down his meds to every other day, with a (hopefully last) checkup in May.

What a dope. :P

( P.S. here he is with a dental hygiene ad. I don't think he understands )

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
- gave into the fact that the job world doesn't want an innovator, just someone to do what they're told. Strangely, I find it much more relaxing to work. I get to save the innovativeness for home!

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
-New years resolutions just seem like a waste.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
-Nope. Not until February.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
-My husband's grandmother.

5. What countries did you visit?
-Sometimes I consider Utah a different country.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
-less headaches and more roller derby.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
-Probably Christmas, it was our first year spending it by ourselves.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
-Began to have whole weeks without panic attacks. Amazing.

9. What was your biggest failure?
-It's only a failure if you don't learn from it, so I don't think I've really failed.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
-Had my first case of hives from medication.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
-I don't really like to obsess over things I buy, only things I do.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
-My husband's endless patience and love for me which many times I don't feel like I deserve it.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
-Many members of the average populace.

14. Where did most of your money go?
-Food, gas, and crafty things.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
-Having a real job that utilizes some of my degree.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
-Anything by Ensiferum, really.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?
-Happier. Quite long over the high of graduating, but feeling a lot more grounded and stable.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
-Messing with electronics.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
-Spend money.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
-Already been spent. Relaxed with the hub Christmas morning and visited the 'rents later.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
-Does it count if I am continuously falling?

23. Did your heart break in 2009?
-Yes, but then healed again when I found I can see my nephews again.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
-Farscape. Hub even got me the collection for Christmas!

25. Did you know anybody who got married?
-Nope. A few divorces, though.

( here is the other half )

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zanthess

February 2011

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